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Today I am 4 weeks 5 days pregnant apparently. I say apparently because I no more feel pregnant now than the crow cawing outside my kitchen window.
I know the test came back positive but all I keep thinking is how do I know I’m still pregnant?!

How do I know it hasn’t stopped? Is it still growing this little poppy seed-sized creature I can’t visualise inside me? Has it, to use that clinical term, ‘arrested’?

I’m a nervous wreck and it’s only been a few days since our result. My clinic here in Ireland does not carry out hCG tests – “it’s no guarantee of success” the nurse gently answered me. This time last year I was in the Middle East where the clinic there called me in every second day for a blood test. It was extremely stressful, nay, traumatic.

My hCG was first 100, then 189, then plummeted back down to 99 (“is that bad?” – “it’s not good”) then 104, then 300, then 450 but it was all too slow rising. It’s supposed to double every 48-72 hours. Mine took weeks to double. So my husband and I went through an agonising 5 weeks of yo-yo Beta tests. Before it all went wrong.

This time round, none of that. I’m relieved in one way, no stressful blood tests and torturous all-day waits for a phone call with the result late in the evening.

I don’t know if my hCG is doubling nicely now nor do I know if it’s hurtling back towards zero. I am now constantly fearing the later as apart from constipation cramps I have no symptoms.

In the absence of Beta testing, symptoms are the only thing that could let me know if I’m pregnant and when you don’t have those, you start to panic.

Last time I was pregnant I was peeing in the night, had breast tenderness – this time nothing. Which is not a good sign in my mind.

I’m freaking out but there’s nothing I or anyone can do until the 7 week scan – that’s THREE WEEKS away. How am I going to get through them.

My biggest fear is that I’ll go in there and there’ll be nothing but a big ol’ black screen and the nurse will have to break it to me that there’s nothing there.

I was full of good intentions to relax and stop worrying this time but that’s gone out the window. I’m about to meet a heavily pregnant friend for lunch too so that’ll remind me even more of what I could lose out on, again.

I finished ‘The Color Purple’ by Alice Walker last night.

The following passage struck me. The main character Celie is chatting with her ex-husband (who used to beat her) about the one person they both love, a woman named Shug. Shug had left both of them. Celie was heartbroken for a long time. Until this day:

And then, just when I know I can live content without Shug, just when Mr.____ done ast me to marry him again, this time in the spirit as well as in the flesh, and just after I say Naw, I still don’t like frogs, but let’s us be friends, Shug write me she coming home.
Now. Is this life or not?
I be so calm.
If she come home, I be happy. If she don’t, I be content.
And then I figure this the lesson i was suppose to learn.

If our baby comes I be happy. If it don’t, I be content.

Maybe this is the lesson I was supposed to learn too.

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