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I woke up at 4.30am today.

Debating whether to cheat and do a sneaky pregnancy test this morning instead of tomorrow. A friend of mine has been told egg donation is her best option. I thought of her, and all the rest of us struggling to reach motherhood.

I was at the Giant’s Causeway on the North Antrim coast in glorious sunshine yesterday. There were mothers and babies and toddlers everywhere.

And all I can think, why am I such a freak of nature?

Earlier in the week we passed a young couple with two young children, and then twins strapped to their chests. And I thought, how can that couple be given so many children? And we have none?

I’m really starting to panic that I will never bear my own child. That time is running out for me and my husband and it doesn’t bear thinking about.

Maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow – knowing one way or the other at least reduces anxiety. It’s the uncertainty that kills me.

Roribeat, Ksirahsirah and others – thank you all for your encouraging words! It makes it a little easier to bear knowing I can share with others.

I’m reading The Color Purple right now. It’s great.

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